Hello. Will you help me raise my baby?

Hey sports fans. 31 weeks pregnant and hitting another sweet spot in pregnancy. I feel good, the baby is kicking nonstop, and I now have the additional pleasure of being very, very visibly pregnant. Which means everywhere I go, everyone is my best friend. People rush to open doors for me, demand I cut in the bathroom line, and tell me all about their kids and pregnancy stories. When I make my way through a restaurant, strangers cut me a ten foot berth as if I'm in a wheelchair. Women in elevators grab my hand and tell me that I'm glowing or that I look adorable. I sometimes hear other pregnant women complain about this phenomenon, especially if said fawning includes touching. Not me! I wish the whole world operated as if we were all pregnant. It's like people assume a pregnant lady is inherently good and worthy of their time. What's so annoying about that?

Belly shot, 31 weeks. Robert and I had a date night with friends to see The Book of Mormon at Capitol Theater.

My big task for the week has been starting my search for an au pair. What's an au pair you ask? It's like a nanny, but a nanny that comes from another country, lives with you, and becomes part of your family for one year. What I love about the program is that your kids get a cultural experience and a new member of the family instead of just childcare. My whole family gets exposed to a foreign language and culture, and I get a second pair of capable hands to help me with my life. Our friends, Megan and Michael, adore their au pair and turned us on to the program.

But back to my search. Searching for an au pair is sort of like online dating but with higher stakes. I loved online dating -- ahem, married the first person I went out with on eHarmony -- so I really enjoy this process. For the past couple of weeks I have been scouring the Cultural Care au pair website and starting to set up Skype interviews with some of the girls that look promising. I am looking for someone from a colder climate so that Utah doesn't shock them when they arrive next January. Someone who can drive in the snow and has lots of experience with infants. Someone who looks warm and friendly in their pictures but uses words like "structure" in their letter. I also like when they include a video because it is so much easier to get a feel for their personality and English fluency. There are a few things that I've already started to see as red flags, not unlike guys who take pictures next to their cars on Tinder. So ladies, if you are considering starting an au pair profile, here are some things you might want to avoid.

1. Tattoo pictures - You love your tattoos. I get it. But if you are trying to sell yourself to me as a responsible adult, don't show me a series of pictures of your tattoos. Even if the tattoos are meaningful to you, they do not instill confidence in your decision-making ability or prudence. And if you've chosen to use your precious few profile pictures to feature your tattoos as opposed to say pictures of your family or pictures with you and the kids you take care of, it makes me question your priorities as well.

2. Picture after picture after picture of you and your boyfriend - One picture of you and your adorable Swedish boyfriend is fine. But nothing but pictures of you and your boyfriend makes me think that a year apart is going to equate to one homesick au pair, as opposed to an independent young woman ready to embrace life in the United States.

My boyfriend at Ikea

3. Pictures in bikinis - Really, does this actually need to be said? You are going to be moving in with me when my confidence is at my lowest. I will be tired, nursing round the clock, and likely carrying 10-15 pounds of baby weight that will take several months to lose. I don't begrudge you your cellulite-free years of sun and fun; I just don't really want to be reminded of it right now when I'm worried that I'll never look good in my bikini again.

4. Duck face - I am looking for someone to care for my infant 40 hours a week while I'm at work. Do you know how hard that is for me? I want to find someone amazing. Someone who emits confidence and competence and a certain Mary Poppinsish quality. Duck face emits more Paris Hilton than Maria from the Sound of Music, and, I assure you, it does you no favors.

This

Not that

5. No pictures of children - I need to see you with kids. Even if the picture of you holding your niece or nephew was staged specifically for your profile, I need to know that you have rocked a baby, changed a diaper, or pushed someone on a swing. And I need photographic proof.

Me and Betty this week

Considering the task at hand, I don't think this is too much to ask.