Sabbatical

I learned last night that my sabbatical request was approved, which means in 2024 - 2025, I will have a year without my regular job responsibilities and service assignments. I thought that my first reaction would be pure, unadulterated joy and it was... for about an hour. Then all of a sudden an unexpected emotion -- paralyzing fear -- started to creep in. Wait, where did that come from? This is finally my chance to take a break, refocus, pursue meaningful work, find some balance, pick my kids up from school. What in the world is there to be afraid of? 

There are some legitimate fears at play. I'm currently in an "Interim Director" role and have been for almost two years. By the time I go on sabbatical, it will be 28 months. And if I'm being honest, it's a role I would love to be in permanently. If I go on sabbatical, there's a chance I'll lose that opportunity. I don't know who will run my Lab if I leave, and I don't even know if there will be a Lab to come back to with the current state of our funding. I have the most amazing office tied to my Interimship. If I leave for a year and someone else moves into that office, will I ever see it again? What if they stick me in a windowless box upon my return? What if working from home drives me crazy? What if I suddenly have all this free time and realize I'm still not capable of writing a book? 

But if I'm being honest, I'm tired of letting fear and scarcity drive my decisions. Over the past ten years as I've gained confidence and competence at work, I realize I've always set my bars low to ensure I clear them or stayed in boxes that felt acceptable to those around me. For some time, and maybe this is just some sort of midlife crisis or midlife awakening, I've felt like there is more out there if I could just be brave. I've felt stifled, and I've lost joy. This pains me to say, but I'm not as good of a mom as I used to be. Prior to this Interimship, I had work life balance. I was fun. I cooked all the time and actually made my family sit down for dinner together. I've practically given up at this point, most nights defaulting to nuggets or mac and cheese or hot dogs and letting my kids eat in front of a show because I'm too tired to make people do things they don't want to do. This is not the person I want to be. 

Staying unfathomably busy has made meaningful change impossible. I want to break the cycle with this sabbatical, which is not to say I want to do nothing. Sitting around all day sounds truly awful. But I want to learn to reserve my energy for things that really matter. I want to engage in meaningful work. I want to focus my attention. I want to write a book. I want to spend significant time reading and writing everyday like I used to. I want to lovingly care for my home, kids, and husband again. I want to remember how to lovingly care for myself. After letting this news set in for 12 hours, where I'm at is realizing that I might lose things: my current status at work, my expansive office with floor to ceiling windows, my sanity if my husband and I work at home at the same time. But deep inside me, I feel like there is more on the other side of crushing busyness; a life that's more authentic, beautiful, and joyful than the one I'm currently living. A life with enough space around me that I can finally breathe. Maybe a life that doesn't make me resent or disdain those around me who aren't "doing enough." And if I can peer beyond the fear, I do feel a deep certainty that what will come out on the other side might not be my current dreams (becoming the actual Director, keeping my big office), but ones that are even better than I can imagine.